Reality Bites the Ponderosa
by Cazzychaps
Summary: The Cartwrights are given an intriguing business opportunity. It seems all they have to do is let strangers on their ranch once a month. But what will the strangers get up to while they are there? A fun little poke at our modern day TV entertainment.


REALITY BITES THE PONDEROSA

"Hey, Pa's back from San Francisco," yelled Hoss from the front window of the house.

"I hope he's got some good news for us," said Joe. "I'm tired of driving cattle."

"And cutting trees," added Adam.

"Not to mention putting up fencing over one thousand square miles," said Hoss.

The three Cartwright boys hurried out to the front porch to welcome their Pa home from his business trip.

"Hi, Pa. How did you do in the big city?"

"Fine, boys, just fine. We've been offered an intriguing investment opportunity through our broker in San Francisco."

"Does that mean we won't have to drive stinky cattle anymore?" asked Joe hopefully.

"Maybe, son. I wanted to run it all past you before I made the decision to invest. It's rather modern and nothing like we've ever been involved in before, but the returns are promised to be excellent."

"Let's hear all about it over dinner," suggested a hungry Hoss.

During dinner all the Cartwright boys looked eagerly at their Pa. They were ready to diversify into less labor-intensive work and this could be their chance.

"All right, boys. This is the outline of it. It's dealing with a company from a place called Hollywood, California."

"Hollywood, kinda sounds like a tree, don't it?"

"Yes, Hoss," replied Ben. "They're offering us a handsome regular sum if we allow small groups of people to visit the Ponderosa and perform activities.

"Like coming for a camping trip?" asked Joe, puzzled.

"I assume so, it's not very clear what they will actually do, but they'll be supervised at all times."

"I don't get it. Why here, why the Ponderosa?"

"It seems they want to experience our scenery and way of life, Hoss. This Hollywood place isn't very pretty according to the broker."

"This contract promises a lot of money, Pa. Sure there's not some catch?" asked Adam.

"We might have to help them out with their tasks from time to time, but nothing more than that."

"Sounds like easy money, Pa. Where do we sign?"

"Right here, Joe." Ben smiled and signed his name to the contract. He and his sons could take it easier from now on. Having a few city folk around from time to time couldn't be any worse than having all his dubious old friends with their problems show up at least once a month.

"The first lot will arrive next week."

"Pa, you sure they're coming on the noon stage? I mean, you can't fit more than six people on a stage and we've had to bring twenty horses to town." Hoss frowned at his father.

"That's what the telegram said, Hoss. Have twenty saddle horses ready at the stage stop at noon. Regards, Phil from Hollywood.

"Who is Phil, and just what will they do?"

"All in good time, Joe. Ah ha, here they come!"

The stage rounded the bend and came to an abrupt halt close to the Cartwrights. They'd never seen so many people stuffed on a stage before. There were folks hanging out the windows, piled on the roof, hanging off the luggage rack at the back and also sitting astride the horses.

"Welcome," boomed Ben, but before he could say another word all of the people scrambled down off the stage and bolted for a strange wooden box set up beside the street. The first two people there flung the lid open and pulled out a bright yellow envelope. Tearing it open, they read the contents aloud.

"Make your way by horse to The Ponderosa. Once there, dismount and find the barn. This is where you'll find your next clue. Quick, come on!"

Ben looked on in amazement as the swarm of guests, all in turn, read their envelopes and raced for a horse. Some of the people had strange box like contraptions on their shoulders. One followed each group of two.

"What do you suppose they're doing?" asked Sheriff Roy Coffee as he watched from the sidelines. "They're dressed awful funny."

"I don't know, but they're right good pay," chuckled Hoss. "Come on, let's follow 'em and watch."

Just then a group of two girls ran up to Little Joe and yelled "Can you PLEASE show us the way to The Ponderosa? It's really important. We're in a race for one million dollars!"

"A million? I think you've been taking in too much sun. Sure, I'll show you the way."

The girls dressed in strange skin like short pants, scrambled onto the horses and followed Joe out of town. Several other lots followed them.

"I think we should help some of them folks too," said Hoss. He went over and offered to show more the way.

"Pa, I'm not sure this was a good idea, after all," grumbled Adam. "They're acting mighty strange."

"Oh, lighten up, Adam. They're just on vacation. Come on, let's play along."

Ben clicked to Buck and they all went back to the Ponderosa.

Joe and his girls arrived first. They seemed really pleased with him and squealed with delight. There was another strange box and they raced over to it and ripped out another envelope.

"Hey, who do you suppose planted all these boxes?" said Joe to Cochise.

"Detour!" One of the girls yelled. "Six shooting bottles or herding six fat steers."

At that moment, a strange man popped out from inside the barn and began talking at one of the men with the contraption on his shoulder. By this time, Ben, Hoss and Adam had arrived with more of the visitors in tow. They all looked at the curious stranger as he talked.

"A detour is a task which must be performed by only one member of the team. The tasks are two traditional jobs performed here on the Ponderosa. Six shooting bottles or herding six fat steers."

"In six shooting bottles teams must take one of the 1860's western pistols and shoot at six old whiskey bottles lined up on the fence. Once they shoot all six and break all the bottles, they'll receive their next clue. It's not very physical but teams with poor aim could take a long time to finish."

"In herding six fat steers, teams must mount their horses and ride one mile down to the horse breaking coral. Inside are six fat Ponderosa steers, which they have to herd up to the corral beside the barn. Ponderosa steers are known to be very well trained and easy to herd, but if the team member isn't good on a horse, it could take a long time. Once the steers are in the corral, they'll be handed their next clue."

"I used to break windows with rocks so I'll do the six shooting," said one of the girls with Joe.

More groups galloped into the yard. Some had fallen off their horses or got knocked off by low-lying branches and were lagging behind.

Ben wasn't very happy with the way they were tearing up the yard area with so many horses. He ordered the boys to get down and tie up the wayward ponies.

"I'm not sure this was a good idea after all," he mumbled as the teams raced around the yard.

"I'm with you, Pa," added Adam who narrowly missed being run into by two men with matching branded shirts that read "get out of our way, we're in a race."

Over by the corral, shots started ringing out. Thank goodness they got the horses tied as the sound became deafening. Several shots at a time ricocheted all over the place. Some went through the barn wall, very few breaking the targeted bottles.

"I should give them a lesson, Pa," said Joe. "They're not very good."

"I think that's the point," replied Adam dryly.

"I'd better go help with the steers," Hoss said as he looked down by way of the corral. "I'm not sure these folks are going to make it in one piece."

"No, son. They have to do this on their own. You just stay put."

The shooting went on and on and Ben's head started to pound. "Why do you suppose they're doing this?" he asked more to himself than anyone around him.

"I think it good sport," said Hop Sing from the safety of the porch. "It very funny. Would be funny to follow them and watch them."

"But winning all that money for this?" Ben threw his hands up in disgust. "What ever happened to hard work?"

"Mr Cartwright, can I speak to you for a moment?"

Ben looked up and saw the man who'd explained the tasks jogging over to him.

"I guess so"

"I'm Phil, I sent you a telegram."

"Oh, yes. Say, can you explain all this? I don't understand it at all."

"Sure, but later if you don't mind. I need the next favor. Can you and your sons quickly ride down to the side of Lake Tahoe and wait at Sandy Cove?"

"Just the four of us? Why?"

"It's part of the race. You'll find out when you get there. There'll be an extra bonus for you."

"All right. We'll go."

After gathering his sons, Ben and the boys went to the lake. They were surprised to see several woodpiles ready to chop.

"I hope they don't expect us to do that," said a horrified Joe.

"Why would they bring all that wood down to the lake?" puzzled Hoss.

"I don't know, but our barn has got about two hundred holes in the side of it!" grumbled Adam after watching the bottle-shooting event. "It's going to need patching."

"This is all very strange. Boys, I'm afraid I didn't make a very good judgement with this investment."

"Oh, come on Pa, it's just some fun," said Hoss. "I kinda like these folks. They're just playin'."

"I hope you're right, son."

Just then, a guy with a contraption put a bunch of red envelopes into a wooden box. "Sirs, when the teams get down to the lake's edge, you will each have to show them how to split a log with an axe. Then, the team has to split and stack a pile of wood just like you would do yourselves at home. When they've finished the job properly to your satisfaction, you have to give them one of these yellow envelopes."

He handed them around and Joe grinned. "Hey, this one's not so bad. We get all this wood chopped for free!"

"Look, here comes the first pair!"

A woman and a man raced on foot down to the edge of the lake and went for the box.

The team set to chopping wood after Hoss showed them how. It would take them all quite a while to complete the task, and the teams were squabbling with each other. It was all quite entertaining!

"Sirs, can you come with me?" Ben and Adam who were standing on the sidelines turned around to see Phil behind them. "I have one more task for each of you."

"If you must," grumbled Adam.

They walked back to the ranch house, which looked like a bomb had hit it. Guns, empty cartridges and about a hundred shattered bottles lay all over the yard. Two dozen horses and their droppings littered the area. Not to mention the few dozen steers now crowded in the small corral lowing impatiently and stinking up a treat.

"Mr Phil, I hope you're going to right all this before you depart."

"Don't worry, Mr Cartwright. It'll look like new tomorrow."

"This, I gotta see," said Ben to Adam as they walked up to the house.

"Now, Adam. I want you to go to your room and start playing a song on your guitar and sing along. When the teams come in, they must sing a verse with you and then you can give each one a clue."

"All right," yawned Adam. He was getting bored by it all anyway and looked forward to relaxing on his bed for a while.

"Mr Cartwright, I need you to wait with me in the kitchen for a while."

"By the way, Phil," said Adam as he left. "Where are you from, exactly. Your accent is a little odd."

"I thought I had a perfect Californian accent." Phil raised his brow quizzically. Nobody had picked him up on it before.

"Nope. You're not from there," replied Adam.

"Okay, I'm actually from New Zealand," admitted Phil.

"Hmm, the land of sheep and strange birds. I get it now."

"Smart one, huh," Phil commented to Ben as they hid in the kitchen.

"Too smart for his own good."

Next, they heard thumping of feet on the porch outside.

"They'd better not damage the furniture," demanded Ben.

"It'll be fine," said Phil in a newly sharpened Californian accent. "Now, I want you to dress up in your good Sunday church clothes," said Phil. Hop Sing appeared with them newly washed and pressed.

Upstairs, Adam started to play "Early one morning" on his guitar. His voice echoed around the house not really giving away the direction from which it came.

"What does the clue say, again?" the first team member yelled as they stood in the great room.

"It says to go upstairs and look for Adam Cartwright's room where he's playing guitar. When you find him, we have to sing along with one verse of the song and then he'll give us our next clue."

"They have to find Adam's room?" whispered Ben, peering out the kitchen door. "That's going to be difficult."

"We know," replied Phil smugly.

"I don't even know where it is from week to week. It's always moving around. It's like a maze up there.

"Come on, time to get changed into your finery."

"Strange, very strange. What is this place called Hollywood, anyhow? Not sure I want to visit."

Phil just gave him another quizzical eyebrow.

The first team was hopelessly lost trying to find Adam's room. They heard his baritone voice singing mournfully. It seemed to bounce off the walls and reverberate through the confusing corridors and rooms.

"That's about ten bedrooms I count, but no bathrooms!"

"It doesn't look that big from the outside, does it?" exclaimed the frustrated competitor.

"Look, this is where we started, I'm sure."

"But the doors look like they are in different places."

"Let's check them all again!"

All the teams were just about finished the woodpiles. Joe's girl's team had been in the lead, but they were struggling now. The axes were just too heavy.

"Come on, girls. I know you can do it," yelled Joe from the sidelines.

"We're going to be eliminated," whined one of them.

"Just keep trying," shouted the other.

"These gals are so strong," said Hoss. "All these folks are just so gutsy. I've a mind to hire some of them as ranch hands."

"Not sure they'll work for you, Hoss. After all, they think they're getting a million dollars for just this much work!"

"Yeah, they must be kind of loony."

"Finished. Is that right, Mr Cartwright?" One of the panting, sweaty girls ran up to Joe.

"That looks good to me. Here you go." He handed her the yellow envelope.

"Will you come with us the rest of the leg so we don't get lost?"  
"Okay, sure. I'll tag along." Joe gave Hoss a "they like me" wink. As they ran back to the Ponderosa, they could see the other teams entering the house.

"Pa's not going to be too pleased with all them folks runnin' through the house."

"Don't worry, Hoss. I'm sure he's having too good a time to notice."

As they ran into the living room, Ben was roaring in his loudest voice at Phil. "Just look what they've done to the rug. Mud everywhere!"

Phil squinted and retreated back a little bit.

"Come on, Joe. We've got to get to Adam's room," yelled the girls.

"We do? Why?"

"We've got to sing along with him for a clue."

"Okay, follow me."

"I think I'll stay down here and watch the fun," said Hoss. He sat on Ben's desk watching some of the guys with the strange contraptions move the settee back and place a large mat on the floor with an outline of the world on it.

Next, Hoss raised his eyebrows at his Pa putting the finishing touches onto his Sunday best. He put on his sliver waistcoat, best string tie and Black dress hat.

"Boy, Pa. You look like a dandy!"

"Quiet, Hoss. I'm going to be on television."

"What's that?"

"I'm not sure, but apparently you have to look mighty good."

Hoss shrugged his shoulders and bit into his apple with gusto. Above him, he could here a dozen pairs of feet running around madly trying to find Adam's room. He laughed. That was much harder than it sounded.

"Here you go, girls. Adam's room." Joe smiled and leaned on the doorjamb. They rushed in and slid to a halt by the bed. Adam smiled up at them and kept singing. They listened to the words and then sung a verse with him. He stopped when they'd done and nodded his head.

"Very good. Here's your next clue."

The girls snatched it up and read it aloud. "Now, find your way to the great room of the house. This is the pit stop for this leg of the race. The last team to arrive may be eliminated!" They squealed and ran back out of the room.

"You'd better follow me back," said Joe. "It's easy to get lost."

They followed him out and down the hallway. Adam took up his guitar again and recommenced his playing.

A few minutes later Hoss watched the two girls bound down the stairs. Joe followed along smiling. They saw Phil and raced to the mat. As they jumped on it, Ben smiled and announced in his booming voice: "Welcome to the Ponderosa, Nevada."

"Tabatha and Lakeesha, you are team number 1!" announced Phil. The girls screamed, hugged and jumped up and down on the spot. Joe whooped it up from behind.

Eventually, the rest of the teams made it back to the mat, one at a time. Then, about an hour later, the last pair came trudging down the stairs.

"George and Evan, you are the last team to arrive," said Phil in a grievous tone. "I'm sorry to tell you, you have been eliminated from the race." The two men cried and hugged each other, much to Hoss's and Joe's disgust.

After that, there was a flurry of activity as the mat was removed and the furniture was pushed back into place.

"We'll be camped in the bunk house tonight," said Phil. "We'll be taking off in the early hours of the morning, so don't get up. Everything will be back in its place for you and cleaned up. Thank you gentlemen. It was fun."

Ben shook his hand. Adam, who'd appeared from his singing session said a gruff goodbye. He'd all but lost his voice.

"I think I'll go talk with them for a while," said Joe.

"Me too," added Hoss. They walked out with Phil to the yard and across to the bunkhouse.

"Do you know what all that was about?" said Adam drolly.

"No, son, not really. But it was kind of fun. I wonder who'll turn up next month?"

Adam grimaced and shook his head.

"I think I'll be in San Francisco for that one!"


End file.
